My negative body image started when I was skinny by anyone's standards. I was 115lbs and a twig. But I had a pooch. When people would point it out, I felt terrible about myself. It was then, that I became anorexic. It wasn't hard for me to do, even though I LOVE FOOD!!!! I was in high school, and was already mostly skipping lunch and breakfast because I didn't have time in the morning to pack my lunch, or I just didn't care enough to make one the evening before. I worked at McDonalds, so I'd usually just skip dinner or said I didn't like what was made. My family and friends started to really notice my struggle two years after college when I had lost almost 30 pounds in less than a month after I got out of an abusive relationship. Maybe they noticed before, but I never believed they caught on. I would look in the mirror and suck in. The smaller I got the better I felt, and the more worried everyone got. My best friend's family (who I consider my own), even kept a box of Cheerios with sugar in their house, and nearly force fed me them every time I came over because it was one of the only things I would eat. Most days, that was the only thing I ate.
The same month I dropped 30 pounds, I met my husband. Joshua in many ways saved my life. He saved me from going back to a relationship I could not escape from. He saved me from my complete hate toward myself. He taught me to love myself, even if I didn't like how I looked, and he made me BELIEVE that I could do anything I set my mind to. During our first week together, he couldn't believe I could get full off on 2 chicken nuggets. He thought I was just not eating because I was afraid of what he would think. He was wrong. I was full! He taught me true happiness, and with that happiness I ate. I ate A LOT. At first I loved that I could eat without feeling guilty! But then my weight started creeping up. Before I knew it I was back at my heaviest weight, 130. When we got married I weighed even more, and I was dreading how I would look in our pictures. I was so unhappy, especially because I couldn't get away with anorexia again (Josh would call me out in a second), that I began binge eating. I could almost out eat Josh two fold! Then after two years of marriage, I decided I wanted to have a baby.....
Josh and I went on a "pre-babymoon" to visit my cousins Samantha & Gilbert. In the pictures, I shuttered when I looked at them. I felt like a hippopotamus. Gilbert even tried to get me to drink a protein drink to pump myself up so we could all go to the gym. I complained like crazy thinking of every excuse in the book, because I knew how out of shape I was and knew I couldn't keep up (Gillie is a Marine after all).
When we got back we started trying to get pregnant. I thought I had time, my doctor wasn't sure I could get pregnant, and thought we might have a hard time trying since I have severe endometriosis. Well less than two months later, to both of our surprise, we were pregnant!
When I went in for my first doctors appointment they weighed me and mistakenly told me. I was 160 pounds. I quickly became majorly depressed. I couldn't believe the scales were accurate. If it weren't for the insane morning sickness, and eating being the only cure, I'm afraid I would have stopped eating all together. I ended up losing a large amount of weight in my first trimester, even while eating. Luckily, I made a point at the beginning of every appointment to tell the nurse not to tell me how much I weighed and STRESSED I struggled with an eating disorder. Even still two times the nurses ended up telling me how much I weighed. I remember coming home and crying to Joshua.
Well I made it through the pregnancy and Savannah was born at a healthy 7 pounds 4.5 ounces. Only a few weeks after I gave birth, an acquaintance of mine became a beach body coach and was offering a free accountability group on Facebook to post meals and workouts. I joined the group even though I wasn't approved for working out to get inspiration. At my 6 weeks check up, since they don't use digital scales, I knew approximately how much I weighed. I was miserable at the thought of even an approximate number. Looking over the accountability group's posts gave me hope, especially since one member was a recently new mom herself. The girl who lead the group then posted about a special that was going on for the T25 challenge pack with shakeology. I asked for more information, and became really interested. The original price made me gasp, especially since Joshua and I cut back after having Savannah, so it was definitely not a decision I was taking lightly. She ended up chatting with me about her own struggles. She wasn't pushy like I thought she would be, and I felt she genuinely cared about me and what was best for my family. After talking it through with Josh, a lot of consideration, and finally Josh dedicating to doing it with me, I decided to push aside my objections and just do it!
After a few more conversations with my own coach, I decided to become a coach myself to help hold myself accountable for my own success. I start my journey on Monday and I genuinely cannot wait! Especially because I received my challenge pack today!
So tonight to really transform myself, I did something I swore I would never do again in my life. I weighed myself. Tonight I weigh in at 155.9 pounds. I haven't taken my measurements yet, however I'll post those later. Knowing I've lost all of the baby weight is helpful, and I don't expect to be 115 pounds ever again, but I cannot WAIT until the number on the scale doesn't mean a thing to me, because what I see in the mirror will be enough. I can't wait until fast food isn't my main source of nourishment, and I have energy and nutrients through shakeology & healthy eating. So this is the start of my transformation. From fast food junkie to fitness junkie!
Josh asked me a question tonight. He said, what makes you think this will work. This out of ALL of the ways to lose weight and get fit, what makes you think THIS will finally work. I answered him, first, I'm ready. I'm really ready to commit for the first time in my life. Second, I can do it at home. I don't have to pack Savannah up and go to a gym where I have to guess what is going to make me fit. Its not just one dvd that I have to do over and over again and get bored of in an instant. Since I never was active into sports or fitness growing up I always struggled with knowing what to do or how to do it. This program is already set up for me, and I've seen so much success. I'm as skeptical as him. But I've done my research, and I believe, I can do this.
This blog is going to be my progress report. My own accountability for myself, so the person in the mirror can reflect how I really feel. So it can reflect the person my husband sees inside of me. Joshua is going to be doing the T25 program with me, though not the shakeology....yet. I'll post his results as well.
So heres to Healthy Harbers :)
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